new year, new outlook

I am not a fan of resolutions. A new year can't change your life overnight and really, there is too much out of one's control to be able to plan for this new year to be the best one yet. It is a grim outlook but I can't handle having any more of my hopes and dreams crushed. All of the changes I have been through over the past fews months have taught me that I am the only person I can rely on. My life is in my hands and only my hands. Yes, I have family and friends I can rely on, this I know. They have been there time after time to pick me up every time I have fallen down, tripped or stumbled. But in the end I am the only person who can make my life mine. 

This is my new outlook. I am the one who will build my dreams and forge ahead into my future creating the foundation on which these dreams will come true. I will leave my comfort zone, try things I have never done before, finding my way out of my cozy cave and into the world ready to take in fresh air and really live and breathe. Of course I have a little list of things I want to do this year. I always have a list of goals at home, in the studio, in my head, typed on my phone. Those lists won't disappear, but those lists won't beat me up. They will not haunt me if I can't manage to get them done in a specific time frame. Because if I live off a list, I don't feel like I am really living. I will train to be able to run a 5K, whether I get to the end of the program I am not certain but I will start. I will find a job and a rhythm to my life that I enjoy. Maybe that job is my business, maybe it is being a barista. And I will open an online shop to sell my photographs. When, I don't know but I do know I will get there. Like I said, this is my new outlook. I woke up on New Year's day angry at the world for all of the bits of my former life left unresolved. All of the details that really aren't in my control nearly brought me to tears when I realized another year of my life went by without me really living. 

I guess I do have a resolution after all. I resolve to live. I resolve not hold myself to impossible standards which consume me and leave me feeling like a failure. I resolve to trust in myself that I will make my dreams come true, reach my goals and enjoy every step I take getting there. 

xo, kim